Bob Geldof: One of the few people I know who can strut sitting down

Morrissey: Low IQ spastic who can’t sing and can’t dance

Oscar Wilde: A great man corrupted by Oxford

John Lennon: A rebel with a ‘because’

Lawrence Oliver: A man whose puppet acting and barking wooden voice inflicted Shakespeare upon us

Dennis Potter: A playwright who makes Alan Bennett look like exactly-what-he-is

Alan Bennett: A playwright with a panache for gossip… and little else

Tony Blair: The infiltrator who succeeded where Militant failed

Harper Lee: A one-hit wonder

Joseph Heller: An exceptional one-hit wonder

The Pope: His contraception policies make him the largest mass-murderer of the twentieth century

The Manx: A race of people who despise everyone in the world almost as much as they despise themselves

Performance poets: The self-seekers who will finally nail the lid on poetic creativity

George Orwell: A good man fallen among Trots

Madonna: A brain-dead Bimbo in a basque

Bono: Bone-headed Geldofian poodle

Speilberg: Talentless Director who thinks it's 'artistic' to play wth toys and re-write History

Hitchcock: A con-man with a healthy regard for humour

Teofilo Stevenson: THE Greatest (Sorry Mr Ali)